The girl and her beautiful smile…

“What would you consider is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?” The doctor asked him. “Are you imagining about the highest snowy mountains, dense forests, starry nights, blue oceans, sandy deserts or even the majestic man-made buildings that make up the landscape surrounding us? Or are you a person who defines beauty in a philosophical way and consider the happiness in a child’s play or the love of an old couple walking hand in hand into the sunset as beautiful?”

It was not the question he was expecting. He was not sure why the doctor asked him that question. How was it even an appropriate time to be talking about this? He couldn’t even remember how he got there in the first place. He had just woken up two minutes earlier in this gloomy hospital room. As soon as he was awake, he felt this sharp pain on the back of his head and let out an unflattering scream. A figure that was standing next to him had seemed startled by his scream and had muttered something before running out of the room. The doctor came in around a minute after he woke up and after checking some equipment inside the room, she had asked him the question.

“Landscapes around our city are quite beautiful”, the doctor continued. “My personal favorite is the sunset over the mountains this time of the year.” The doctor was still looking into some machines and writing something in her notepad. She put her pen down, looked straight into his eyes and said, “Come on, man. There must be something that you consider to be the most beautiful thing in the world.”

Lying in the hospital bed with the headache that felt like someone continuously bashing your head with a hammer didn’t seem like the time to talk about the most beautiful thing in the world. But the boy decided to answer the doctor’s question. “The most beautiful thing I think is a smile”, he said.

“You are one of those philosophical people. I knew you were one when I first saw you”, the doctor confessed. She sat down on the side of the bed and continued, “Smile is just an expression produced by flexing the muscles at the side of the mouth. Why would you consider it the most beautiful thing in the world?”

Obviously, the doctor was neither a philosopher nor a romantic. The boy was a little confused and did not know how to answer this question. He thought about it for a moment and answered, “Well, yes. A smile is just a facial expression but it signifies joy, happiness and pleasure. You asked me if a child’s play is beautiful. Yes, a child enjoying playing with friends or with a new toy is beautiful. But the thing I actually consider is the joy I can see through their smile and that is what I think is beautiful.” He wanted to give more examples and explain the doctor that her scientific interpretation was simple minded, but he decided against it. It was difficult for him to talk and he did not want to piss off the doctor.     

“Usually I do not like diving into figurative meaning of things. I consider myself driven by logic and science but I can understand what you are trying to say. Happiness is a base emotion humans gravitate to and seeing the joy of others does set you into a jolly mood”, the doctor exclaimed. The doctor seemed to understand what the boy wanted to explain and humbly had acknowledged the thinking of an abstract mind.

Before the boy could talk, the doctor continued, “I understand why a smile can be beautiful and even I think it is. But you consider it the most beautiful thing in the world. I don’t think you were talking about smile in general. There is a specific smile that you are very fond of, aren’t you?” As soon as the remark was made, the boy could feel a chill down his spine.

Embarrassed, he tried to face away from the doctor but could not move. He wanted to hide his face as he could feel it was flushed. The doctor saw this and calmly explained, “Please do not try to move swiftly. Your body still needs time to heal. You are going to be here for a while and I know this place can be lonely. I want you to take me as a friend and talk to me comfortably. I am here to help.”

“My view is reserved to a specific person, yes”, the boy opened up. “There is this girl who I like very much. She is kind, pretty and intelligent. She has long black hair that shines beautifully in the sunlight. Her brown eyes complement all her features and the way she looks at you, you can feel the warmth of her kind heart.

“I think she is wonderful and I try to compliment her a lot but she does not believe me. She laughs it off.” He concluded. The doctor was listening to the boy attentively and could see the glow in his face while he was talking about the girl. She asked him, “You are clearly very fond of this girl. Does she know how you feel? Have you told her?”

Numbing sensation gripped the boy’s whole body after the doctor’s question because he remembered why he was there. The boy had a tumor in his brain. He had consulted many specialists and they had given him a few months to live. Finally, he had found this one doctor who was willing to try a high risk procedure to save his life. He was in the hospital for the same. It wasn’t sure that he would even wake up after the procedure. He had woken up five days after the procedure was completed. The boy after this realization said, “I never told her how I felt because I knew I had this condition and I did not know how long I had.” He looked into the doctor’s eyes and asked, “How did the surgery go?”

Enthusiastically, the doctor stood up, held his hand and said, “You are fine now. You need a few weeks’ rest and then you can go and see the most beautiful thing again – The girl and her beautiful smile.”

Speechless conversation...

He walked into the bar by the beach and started to scan the area. The bar was small and open on three sides. Straight ahead, there was a patio that overlooked the ocean. It was almost dark and small fairy lights turned on hanging from the wooden pole across the ceiling. People on the patio were dancing some Spanish music. Inside, there were some people sitting around their tables quite busy eating and talking to each other.

He turned left towards the bar and that’s when he saw her. Sitting on a stool, a book in her hands and a glass of cosmopolitan on the bar table right in front of her. He caught a glance of her just as she was adjusting her seat, turned the opposite direction took a sip of her cocktail and proceeded to read. She was wearing a white silk top and blue jeans. Her hair was black and wavy and loosely tied backwards.

He went up to the bar and stood beside her. He turned towards her and noticing Tolstoy’s War and Peace said, “I think you will need more than one drink to finish that book. Can I buy you one?”

She slowly looked up away from the book and straight towards him and replied, “Sure, but only if you join me.”

He ordered the drinks and took a sit.

“So, you have read this book?” she inquired.

He nodded. They started to talk about the book, the beach, food and travel destinations. They laughed and flirted with each other. Both of them were attracted to each other.

After a couple of hours and few drinks, she moved closer to him and whispered into his ears, “I think it’s going to rain. Maybe we should take this conversation indoors.”

He agreed and she led him to her hotel room.

Once inside, they were quickly onto one another. Their lips were busy kissing and hands running across the other’s body. In minutes, their tops were off.  He turned her away from him and slowly slid his hand into her pants. She let out a short whimper and pushed her butt against his groins. She turned and kissed him again. It was not a gentle kiss. They could feel the intensity in the kiss.

She jumped onto him and wrapped her legs around his body. He was grabbing her by her butt and kissing the side of her neck. He took her to the other side of the room and dropped her on to the soft couch and sat on one end of it. He looked at her. She bit her lips. He felt how her lips tasted. That was the sign.

He grabbed her thighs and pulled her closer. He unbuttoned her pant and she slipped out of it. He started to kiss her neck again and slowly let his lips move down towards her breast and further down towards her stomach. He teased her by circling his tongue around her belly button. She shrugged. She was tickled. He went further down and just as she was sure he was reaching the best part, he teased her again. He moved his head a little bit towards the left and started to kiss the inside of her thigh. Then he moved to the right. The anticipation of the finale made her wet. Still he teased. Still she anticipated.

And finally, it happened. His lips and tongue were moving slowly and with each movement she let out a moan. He suddenly increased the speed of his tongue and the sudden change sent a chill down her back and they both fell from the couch.

He was in his back now and she on top of him. They smiled and she slowly pulled his shorts. She returned the favor by going down on him. He felt the wetness of her mouth and the sharpness of her teeth as she went down on him. He felt good. She glanced at him from below and she could see that he was enjoying it.

She sat on him and started to move. She slowly moved up and down, left and right. She put her hands on top of his chest as she dictated the pace. After sometime, she dropped her face close to his ears and slowly nibbled on his ears. He put his arm around her back and turned her on her back with a jolt. 

He slowly went into her again. She let out a loud moan. He slipped out of her. Then he went in again. Again he pulled out and again went in. Her moans were getting louder. They both felt each other’s body heat. Both of them were sweating heavily. They kept at it in the floor in different positions for some time and then they finally came.

Lying naked side by side, they could hear each other’s pounding heartbeat and the sound of heavy rain fall outside. The smell of rain filled air and their scent was intoxicating.

He looked at her and smiled. She gently kissed him, laid her head on his chest and said, “Good thing we brought our conversation indoors.”              

  

My writer’s block…

I had been meaning to write for a while but every time I sat down to think, all I could come up with was nothing or everything. Everyone understands that if you can’t think of anything, you can’t put it on a page. But you probably think if this guy is thinking about a lot of things, it is so easy to write. Choose one of it and start writing about it. I wish that was the case.

It is difficult when I have a lot on my mind. I really couldn’t choose a topic. It felt like, if I chose one, all the other thoughts would feel neglected. I knew it sounds ludicrous, but I am sympathetic that way.

For last couple of week, I had a lot on my mind. Every time I wanted to write, all these topics came flooding. My brain was full but the pages, empty.

One evening, I was determined to write. It had been a dull day. Rain was pouring heavily and the frequent thunder and lightning was not helping the cause. I do like the occasional rain but that day was different. It had been raining from the morning and I was stuck at home.    ‘What do people do when they are incapable themselves? ’, I thought.  ‘They ask other people for help’.

So, I asked a friend if there was a topic that she could recommend. She was shocked. At least, that is what I gathered from her response.

She said, “Haha, me!!!”

‘Yes, ma’am.’, I was thinking but I replied, “Yes… anything.”

She was reluctant. She insisted that she was not that creative.

I wanted tell her that she is creative and then a memory came back to me. I had had similar conversation before with her in the past and the response was the same. I had insisted that she think of something then, and she had some of the greatest ideas ever. The one time, it was a supernatural-esque dream. The fonder memory was that when we had created a story then and there with each of us adding a new sentence to the other’s previous sentence.

The story was about a bunny that lived in a grassland whose house was destroyed by a huge storm. The bunny then came across a bird that had injured its wings in the same storm and had fallen near the bunny’s house. The bunny took the bird inside, nursed its injuries and gave it a place to stay until it could fly again. The bunny and the bird became great friends, they roamed around met other friends of bunny and the bird had a great time. Once the bird felt better, it helped the bunny repair its hut.
Finally, the day came when the bird could fly again. The bunny felt happy for the bird but was also a bit sad that the bird would leave. The bunny would never tell the bird how it felt. Seeing that the bunny was not itself for some time, the bird asked what the matter was. The reluctant bunny finally told what was bothering it. The bird admitted that it felt the same way but told that it had to go to its family. The bird also told that it came from the jungle that was directly beside the grassland and it would come and visit. The bird also invited the bunny to come and visit it in the jungle. With that promise, the bird flew away.

I also recall something I thought to continue that story but I can’t quite remember if I ever told her that.

The bird did come back to visit and one day, also took the bunny to the jungle to meet its friends and family. They met each other often and the bunny loved how the bird could fly in the sky. The bunny designed mechanical wings and with the bird, would fly together whenever they met.  

At that moment, I decided to write the story and as you can see above, it’s done. I didn’t tell her that she was creative or insisted me to help her. She had already done that.

People do help. Even if they directly can’t, one way or another, they always make you better as she helped me overcome my writer’s block…

      

Stuck in a loop…

Suddenly, he woke up. The lights were on. A cool breeze rushed in from the open window. He wondered when and for how long he had slept. There was no blanket on and the laptop was still turned on pausing on a scene of the Lego Batman movie. The last thing he remembered was getting too tired and sleepy watching the movie lying in that very bed. He tried to move but his body wouldn’t budge. He tried to turn but nothing happened. He tried to move his fingers but it was like his nerves were not transmitting any signal to his limbs. A sudden chill went down his spine. His greatest fear was not being conscious but not being able to anything, like in a coma. He was terrified. Was his greatest fear coming to a reality? He opened his mouth and yelled in sheer terror. But to his dismay, no sound came out of his throat. With all his might, he let out another scream and at the same time he swung his body forward and was finally able to stand up.

Suddenly, he woke up. The lights were on. A cool breeze rushed in from the open window. He wondered when and for how long he had slept. There was no blanket on and the laptop was still turned on pausing on a scene of the Lego Batman movie. The last thing he remembered was getting too tired and sleepy watching the movie lying in that very bed. He tried to move but his body wouldn’t budge. He tried to turn but nothing happened. He tried to move his fingers but it was like his nerves were not transmitting any signal to his limbs. A sudden chill went down his spine. His greatest fear was not being conscious but not being able to anything, like in a coma. He was terrified. Was his greatest fear coming to a reality? He opened his mouth and yelled in sheer terror. But to his dismay, no sound came out of his throat. With all his might, he let out another scream and at the same time he swung his body forward and was finally able to stand up.   

Suddenly, he woke up. The lights were on. A cool breeze rushed in from the open window. He wondered when and for how long he had slept. There was no blanket on and the laptop was still turned on pausing on a scene of the Lego Batman movie. The last thing he remembered was getting too tired and sleepy watching the movie lying in that very bed. Wait! This situation felt similar to him. Then he remembered that he had done the same thing before, twice. He tried to move but his body wouldn’t budge. He tried to turn but nothing happened. He tried to move his fingers but it was like his nerves were not transmitting any signal to his limbs. A sudden chill went down his spine. His greatest fear was not being conscious but not being able to anything, like in a coma. He was terrified. Was his greatest fear coming to a reality? He opened his mouth and yelled in sheer terror. But to his dismay, no sound came out of his throat. With all his might, he let out another scream and at the same time he swung his body forward and was finally able to stand up.

Suddenly, he woke up. This time, he remembered the same prior situation again. What was happening? He thought for a while and then checked to see if he could move or shout. Still nothing happened. A thought then came to his mind. He was dreaming and in this dream, he was stuck in a loop. Again, with all the power he could muster, he let out a scream and swung his body forward and was able to stand up.

Suddenly, he woke up. Whatever this dream was, it wouldn’t end. He was stuck in a loop, waking up to find himself helpless. Using his strength to stand up but he would wake up again in the same position. He doesn’t remember how many times this happened. It felt like an eternity. He was getting more anxious and terrified every single time. He tried to change the situation, like he tried to pick up his phone, look at his watch, and call out for help, but this loop would not break.

He wanted to cry but no tears would come. He had lost all hope. Finally, he decided he would accept his fate and do nothing about it.

He was lying there, knowing it was a dream but with no expectation of waking up anytime soon. His body didn’t move but his mind was going haywire, thinking about everything and nothing all at once. Suddenly, he felt a shadow fall on him. He couldn’t make out who it was and tried to slightly move his head to see who it was but to no avail. As this person came close, he could make out that it was a girl. She stood right by his bedside and slowly leaned forward towards him. He finally saw who she was.

She was the girl he loved. The most beautiful girl he had ever laid his eyes upon and she looked divine just then. She gently stroked his hair. “Don’t force it. Just stand up slowly. You can do it.”, she whispered into his ear and disappeared.

He did as he was told. He closed his eyes, smiled and very slowly stood himself up.

And finally, he woke up…  

(This is the bizarre dream I had yesterday.)

A little peace of mind…

Ah! It has been a long time since I have been home early and in a mood to write. Lately, I have either been out late running away from every responsibility or come home and wait for my phone to go ding ding.

So today I said sorry to my friends and drove home straight from work. Now I am sitting down in front of my computer, a pleasing song on repeat, lovely breeze and a drizzle outside, hot tea to warm me up and my phone’s Wi-Fi turned off. I am spending this Friday evening with my readers.

Speaking of my readers, I wonder who you are reading this piece. Are you a person I know or some stranger? Are you someone I adore dearly or someone I can’t stand at all? The people from former category, I say ‘Heeeeyyy!!!’. You can be anyone and I can only imagine, how you look, your nature, your beliefs, your life, you are happy or you are sad. But to everyone, I hope you have a great day and you like what you are reading.

A simple thing like this can make your day. I know it all too well. I spent the last few weeks in dark place hoping someone would come up to me and tell me that whatever it is, you will do great and everything will be alright. I did get that sparsely, making me happy for a while. But I wished for more of it. Well, you can’t expect other’s to understand what you are going through, especially for someone like me. I don’t like to share my problems with anyone thinking they would get sad themselves. So, that led to me staying in the dark place for a while.

I am sure everyone has been in this ‘dark place’ one time or the other in their life and in this place you can’t think straight. You don’t know that you are hurting yourself and everyone around you. Every judgement you take is clouded and the dark personality you portray is something everyone hates.

Alas! Had I only thought of things as I am thinking today, things probably would be unlike it is today. This is the moment I feel if the time travel was real. I wish I could go back and do things differently. Just to be sure, I googled it just now and time travel is still not possible this moment. But I am trying my best to make things right now and I hope I am given the chance.

Anyways, yesterday I had an epiphany. I realized that I link everything in my life to something or someone. I am not going to give any examples of it. You can think and relate it with your life. Before I slept yesterday, I decided I will try not to do that as much now. I am going to be my own man. I have too much at stake to not be doing that. Then it hit me. I have told this to everyone who has come to me sad. I have given a lot of advice to a lot of people but somehow I never looked after myself. I can calm an angry person but I have never done anything to control my temper, which I know is quite bad. I apologize to everyone who have crossed path with my anger.

So, I woke up today, looked into the mirror, smiled and said to myself, ‘I will do great and everything will be fine’. I also meditated after a long time. And to tell you the truth, I feel good.

The song is still playing, rain has stopped and only an empty glass remains. I guess it’s time for me to bid you goodbye. I hope you enjoyed this.

Until next time, enchanté … 

Dear friends...

Dear friends,

 I don't know what you see in me that makes you want to be my friend. Whatever the reason, I truly appreciate you in my life.

 I realize that I am egoistic, self centered and selfish. I have never valued the impact friends have made in my entire life.

 This is to you all, who have seen my highs as well as my lows and still stood by me. If you ever read this, you know who you are.

 My friends, who have been doing all the small things for me even though you have no benefit from it, thank you very much. I have asked you for everything and you never hesitate for a moment and jump right in my petty mess. I know I have not returned the favor and I have hesitated when you have asked me for similar things but you have never brought it up when I ask for more, ever so selfishly.

 The friends I have the highest of intellectual discussions with, you have made me one of the most knowledgeable person. Hours of discussions on science, philosophy and art, all have developed my mind to an extent that has molded me. I cherish all the talks of relativity of time, views of scholars, feats of science and technology, the enormity of the universe and the eye of the artists to create a masterpiece.

 I have undermined a lot of my friends as well. I have laughed at your views, your nature and your difference with me. I would like to apologize for everything. Even though I have not been a good friend, ignoring you rather than understanding, you have always been there when I needed and love me endlessly.

 And the friends who listen to my every self obsessed talks, you are all a gem. I don't know why, but I have always been the one to share everything. I share my success with you and the narcissistic me probably does it with an extreme gloating and yet you are always happy for me. Then, there are times of my lows. I pour out every sadness in long hours of self pity sessions and you are always there to support and console me.

 I realize that I am too much of a work for all of you but that has never made you ignore me. I irritate my friends a lot and yet I find love in your hearts for me.

 This is a letter to all my friends and I pour my heart into it. I write in the moment of clarity but with one question still in my mind,

“What have I done to deserve friends like you?”

The hardest drink to swallow...

Are you a nice person? Do you feel like you are kind-hearted?

I thought I was until I met this family.

Here is how this tale goes.

I recently went to do a baseline survey in Dolkha. It was a six-day trip to go to various rural localities, households and schools to find out the status of education for Dalit girls and disabled children. The trip was sort of an eye opener for me, a roller coaster ride of my emotions, but one that I will cherish. The landscapes, the people and the moments with them were the purest I have felt in a very long time.

I could talk about the whole trip and I would be writing a book, but that is for some other time.

Recently finishing my exams, extremely tired and needing a long break and time to myself, I went there oblivious to the change in my life and thinking that it would bring to me. A lot of things happened throughout the trip that has made me question my morals, my upbringing and my sanity. But I am talking about this single thing that brought about the biggest wave in the calm ocean of my mind.

A friend and I had to go and interview some families with disabled children in this remote area called Bhusapheda. We were there for 3 days and the first two days went well with regards to our survey. The final day is what I am talking about in this piece.

We walked hours on the beautiful village path, with beautiful hills, trees, farmlands and small streams. The plan was simple, find out the house of this family, take the interview with the disabled child and her parents and be on our way. We asked the locals of the location of the house whenever we found someone who were happy to help and finally reached the house we were supposed to reach.

The so called house was at the side of the path. Well, it was just a temporary shelter made up of metal and plastic sheets wrapped around bamboo scaffold. Directly in front of this shelter were two ditches and we had to cross those to get to the shelter.  There was also construction of a house going on nearby.

We were greeted by the family. We gave them our introduction and told them the purpose of the visit and they invited us in to the shelter. The inside view of the shelter was sadder than the outside view. I am not even going to try to describe it.    

We asked our questions and had a long talk with the family. The family had three children. One of the daughter had lost the function of her left hand. She lost it in a freak accident while a toddler. She had rolled into the wood fired stove and brunt herself. The girl was very pretty, a little shy but very friendly. We talked about her school and her studies and turns out, she enjoys studying very much. 

There were two other children in the family. The father talked about how one had fractured his hand recently and had been recovering ever since.

The conversation did dwell into topics we didn’t have to talk about. We found out that, the family’s house was destroyed during the earthquake and they had been living in that makeshift shelter for the last couple of years. The house that was being built was for them. It was difficult as the father didn’t have a steady income and they were in debt. But it was supposed to be done because how long could they live in temporary shelter. The father also complained that he didn’t know any information on facilities to disabled child because he couldn’t afford a radio to listen to the news and programs. It could be seen in the faces of the parents how much they loved their children as they unanimously said they wanted their children to study as much as they wanted but I could feel in the sound of their voice the sadness of being poor.

Oh! This talk shattered my voice and my eyes water. At one point, I didn’t know how to ask any more questions. For the first time in my life I felt sad for being poor myself. I wanted to do something but I didn’t know what and how. For the first time in my life I felt helpless, hopeless.

I was contemplating their life and mine. I had everything I wanted compared to this family. The problems I had was microscopic compared to the problems they faced. Yet, I felt powerless to do anything.

Then, the family offered us a glass of Mountain dew each. We declined but they insisted and we took half a glass. That made me realize I am not the nice guy I claim to be. I am not the kind-hearted person that everyone credits me for.  The family with no income and more problems were generous enough to provide us with a drink. They didn’t have to. They didn’t need to. They couldn’t afford to. But they still did.

This was the time in my life, I really thought of everyone and everything except for me. I was put in a greatest debt and all I could do was slowly sip the hardest drink to swallow…